If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
