After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize