the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
