Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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