Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
