angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just high enough for therapy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I need to calm my uterus...
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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