My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it was like his penis was on wheels.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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