So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
