...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
