happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
