There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
