FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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