when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
