Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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