I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
