I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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