Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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