Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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