You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
