Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
