your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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