Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
