a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
