I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
