I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
