the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
True strength comes from lack of pants
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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