I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
