This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
