Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
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