areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
