Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
