I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
