Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
