I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
