Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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