i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
