Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
