Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
