when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
