Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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