I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Enjoy the penises
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
