There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
