you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
