Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
