hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
