if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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