Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
