The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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