no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
