just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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