Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
