don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
