It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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