Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
