I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
