respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
