thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
