I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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