I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
