I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
