Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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