Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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