so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
