My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
jump out the window naked night went bad
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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